In-Flight Safety
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.
Amen and welcome aboard Flight #777, non-stop service from Cairo to Jerusalem. This is your Father speaking. I’d like to extend a special welcome to our Frequent Prayer members and Saint Class passengers. When it comes to transcendental travel, we know you have options, so thanks to all of you for choosing Holy Spirit Airlines.
We’ll be flying at an altitude of 40,000 feet with a flight time of 1h20. I’ve turned off the fasten seatbelt sign, as we have completed our initial ascent. You may now use your electronic devices if in “church mode.” This aircraft has four confessionals with certified priests, two in the front and two in the rear. Smoking on this flight, including censers, is prohibited by law and disabling or destroying smoke detectors in the confessionals may result in a fine.
We hope you’ll take advantage of the wide variety of sermons and masses available for viewing during the flight. Our deacons will begin distributing Eucharist momentarily. Upgrades, such as cabernet sauvignon by the glass or gluten-free wafers, are available for purchase. An assortment of craft Bibles, collectible patron saints, commemorative crucifixes, and travel prayer guides are also available, duty-free. Please, have payment ready.
If you feel led to give to our ministry, simply fill out the envelope in your seatback pocket, insert cash or check, and drop it in the offering box as the deacons pass by. Give anytime on online or via our app.
The weather prophecy for today was clear, sunny skies, but unfortunately we are seeing some nasty storm clouds forming up ahead. Severe turbulence is expected. If the cabin happens to lose pressure, rosaries will descend from the panels above your seat. Remember to make the sign of the cross, before helping others with their prayers. This aircraft is also equipped with emergency votive candles along the aisles and seat cushions that may be removed and used as padded kneelers. Pray normally and note that the Spirit is moving.
But be not afraid. You’re in good hands. Not only do my co-priest and I each have over 12,000 hours of flight time and 700 error-free landings, we’re also anointed by God.
However, in the unlikely event that God ordains to smite this aircraft, have faith and do not evacuate. Be warned that all passengers seated in exit rows have been instructed to restrain anyone attempting to abandon the aircraft and the cabin clergy will not intercede for apostates.
We’re here to serve you, so please let us know how we can make your journey more spiritually fulfilling. And remember, praying is still the safest way to travel.
Lord, have mercy.
